How do you start off a New Year? The best way is with a few chuckles from the ‘Laugh File.’ A collection of jokes and stories I have put together over the years. Some have been around, some are new. Guaranteed, though, to make you smile and maybe even laugh. For instance…….

            A group of kids in various grades at a particular school were all give the assignment of writing down deep thoughts. A 15 year old writes; I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? A 13 year old paraphrased something from AA; Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. A 6 year old expressed a thought from personal experience; For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

            For a period of time I worked for a newspaper in Ohio, doing sports writing by night and pastoring by day. I would write a story and someone else would write the headline. The headline writers had the hardest job. They had to read an entire article and then come up with a catchy headline, and they had to do it quickly. The paper was always waiting to go to press. Some really weird headlines resulted. GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE. Evil grandmother, apparently. DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT. Where do you buy a horse suit? POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS. That is one tough city. TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST. Pretty hungry tuna. That’s a lot of coastline. MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT DAUGHTERS OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION MEETING. That is really no way to talk about those sweet ladies! TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG. If you can’t convict, you have to take the punishment. COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES. Kind of my view of higher education these days. SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED. My mother drove a school bus for over three decades. There were many students she wanted to belt. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW. Goodness! Think about that before you head down to the Sunshine state on vacation. If you are mistaken for an alien you could come back in pieces. MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE. I am going to assume that BEE was supposed to be SPREE, but then again, we lived in Miami for some years and guns would come out for the slightest reasons. And then, my favorite…..IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS. Those Iraq leaders, always dissatisfied with just being a head.

            Then there are these that I never actually saw, but I like them. Supposedly these are found mostly in the classifieds, but there are some headlines, too. FREE PUPPIES! 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG. What breed is sneaky neighbor’s dog? SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. Well, yeah. TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5 LITER, AUTOMATIC TRANS, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800. Kinda high for a Tickle Me Elmo, even still in the box. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" Now, there is a slogan. Reminds me of a little greasy spoon restaurant back in Ohio that proclaimed, WE DON’T SERVE NO CRAPPY FOOD. Ate there once. The slogan lied. GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. Not sure what to say to that. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE. Well, OK…….

            In the world today, one needs to be constantly aware of being politically correct. This seems to be true more for men tan for women. Thirty years ago, I went to a sensitivity training event and found out that if I put my arm around a woman’s shoulder, if I placed my hand on her back at the level of her bra strap, if I held her hand after a handshake for an extra second, if I called her honey, dear or sweetheart, all of it was sexual harassment. Legally. Thirty years ago. If I hugged the woman it was attempted rape. So, I try to avoid all those things. I have been called a cold person. Women, on the other hand, have called me sweetie or honey or dear whenever they wanted. One waitress called me sweetie, to which I returned a honey pie. She became offended and I suddenly had a new waitress. I have been touched on the shoulder, the chest, the face…..any number of places. And hugged? Oh, yes! I can’t hug back or put my hands on her back, but it is OK for her. Recently, a woman in our church really, really needed a hug. I felt obliged to ask her before I hugged her. So, here are some helps on how to be politically correct with women. She is not a bleached blonde, she is peroxide dependent. She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible. She is not conceited, she is intimately aware of her best qualities. She does not gain weight, she is a metabolic underachiever. She is not to skinny, she is skeletally prominent. She does not have a mustache, she is in touch with her masculine side. She does not get fat or chubby, she achieves maximum density. She does not wear to much makeup, she has reached cosmetic saturation.

            Most of us will attend a movie occasionally. Marsha and I went and saw three last year at a theater and three more at the drive-in. And, of course, we see the occasional movie on TV. Movies give a great deal of information we would otherwise not be aware of. For instance, during all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Also, all grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread poking out the top. In addition, the ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. Also good to know, all bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. It seems that a real man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. It’s a little known fact, but if you are staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. A good thing to remember is cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. To find your way, remember that a single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Lucus Oil stadium. And, if you misplace your keys it is always easy to hotwire a car, anyone can do it, and any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

            2017 was a year of dealing with insurance companies for me, so this one strike a chord. A Charlotte, North Carolina man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and actually won. In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires." After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony for the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to twenty-four months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

            Well, time is getting on here, so let me close with this fine story. There was a nice lady, a Baptist minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

             The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a well known Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

            I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

          The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

          I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."