One of the truly great ways to learn is through experience. It is too bad, really. Think how wonderful it would be if we could learn by listening or reading about the experiences of others. A lot of grief could be avoided. However, since we are human, experience is our great teacher.

          But some learning experiences take on a life of their own. Some things are learned in shocking fashion. We might call these life’s embarrassing moments, but really they are life’s funniest teachers.

          Experience gained by watching others is very nice, but it usually doesn’t stick in our minds as well. Unless it is extreme. Once when I was an associate pastor the senior pastor was ill. Rather than give me the pulpit for the day, he decided to tough it out. He told me just before he went into the pulpit that he was feeling worse. He said that if he had to suddenly leave I was to come up and lead the congregation in a hymn. If at the close of the hymn he still wasn’t back, I was to close in prayer. About halfway through his message he got ill. Away from the pulpit he ran to the restroom. I stepped into the pulpit ready to lead in a song, but then the church was treated to the benefits of a new technological device. Wireless lapel microphones had just come out and Pastor had to be one of the first to have one. They are great, except when you are vomiting while it is still turned on. His wife leaped to her feet and raced to the restroom. I was hoping the sound man would turn off the sound, but he was mesmerized. Over the speakers we heard the restroom door bang open and Pastor’s wife yelling, “Bob! The mic is one! Turn it off!”

          Wireless mics are a blessing, but they can also be a real problem. Many a preacher has gotten himself in trouble by saying something he shouldn’t be saying while the mic was on. Which is fine with me. The preacher should remember that God is always listening. If it is wrong for the folks in the church to hear it then it is almost always wrong for the Lord to hear it.

          Once in a while, though, the wireless mic produces a genuinely funny moment. A church I pastored for over a decade finally invested in one of these little marvels. I wore it for the first time for Maundy Thursday, just before Easter. Everything worked fine in our church, but the church down the street also had a wireless setup and their receiver picked up my transmission. The pastor told me later that he was sitting behind the pulpit waiting for the organist to play. He said that his organist was standing at the organ when music started playing over the speakers. The pastor thought it odd that the organist was playing standing up and it was odd that the opening was a different hymn than planned, but he let it go and didn’t pay attention. Then he stood into the pulpit and started to lead the congregation in prayer. However, before he could get a word out another voice began to pray over the speakers. Needless to say, he was startled, but then he recognized my voice. They let me finish praying and then they turned off their wireless system. Even our organ music had come over so clear that the folks in the congregation didn’t even realize it was not their organ. I can be something of a wise guy, so I told that pastor they should have just let me preach. That way they would have had a good sermon.

          Every preacher who has been at it for a while has a supremely embarrassing moment that goes beyond these mentioned. Usually they don’t like to mention them. Either because they are so embarrassing or because they fear for their dignity. I have two that are very embarrassing. Since they are both funny I don’t really worry about the embarrassment thing. And, as far as dignity is concerned, these two moments robbed me of all my dignity anyway.

          The first one was not completely unusual. By that I mean that it could happen to anyone, and probably has had happened to several preachers out there.

          I was visiting the church’s shut-ins one fine spring day. At that particular moment all of our shut-ins were elderly women. They were always quite happy to see their young pastor because he would sit and chat with them for a while and then give them communion. On this particular day they seemed to enjoy my visit more than usual. I went to the first home and was greeted in a friendly way. However, during the visit this sweet little old lady suddenly laughed. She was in on a joke that I knew nothing of, which was not unusual with her. After the laugh she seemed oddly animated. Eventually she sent me on my way, but asked me where I was going next. That was different, but I told her and thought nothing else of it.

          The next stop had my shut-in waiting for me at the door. She ushered me into her apartment, sat me down and then smiled at me in a silly way. She, too, had a joke she wasn’t sharing. When I got up to leave she walked me to the door and then asked me where my next stop was going to be. Again, very strange, but not out of line.

          Well, I made five stops that day. Every lady had a big smile plastered on her face. Every one of them broke into giggles at some point. It was an interesting day. I just couldn’t figure out why they all seemed so goofy. Until I got home and found that my pants were ripped from the bottom of my zipper all the way back to my belt loop in the back. 

          But there is an embarrassing moment for me that tops that and all others. In fact, I have never talked to another preacher who could top this one. It is unusual and it was avoidable, except I was in a real hurry.

          The church I was the pastor of at the time was in Ohio. Our church secretary was from Pennsylvania. All of her family was still there except for her husband and kids, so they made two or three trips back every year. Her grandfather, a sweet and gentle man, had helped raise her as she was growing up. In time he became ill. It was quite serious and our secretary and her family were making the trek to the old home town almost weekly.

          Eventually the grandfather died. As you might imagine, our secretary was devastated. The church published a weekly newsletter, and getting it out  was one of her jobs. She came in to put the newsletter out and then go to Pennsylvania. I told her that there was no way she was going to do that; I would put the newsletter out, she could go on. My thinking was, How hard can it be? I soon found out.       

          Our church had two annual get togethers that everyone enjoyed immensely. The first was the Mid-Winter Bar-B-Que. This was a gathering on the last Saturday in January that we had every year for the adults who were under the age of forty five. It was a nice party that broke up the monotony of an Ohio winter along Lake Erie.

          The other get together was Geritol Night. This was a Saturday evening in the spring for the over forty five crowd. The joke is obvious in the name and we always had a lot of fun at this one, as well. Both events were eagerly awaited.

          Well, the year prior to the secretary’s grandfather’s death we had missed out on having Geritol Night. Several crisis situations had come up and the night of fun had been overlooked. With the new year, however, everyone wanted to make sure Geritol Night was on the schedule.

          Back to doing the newsletter. I had never imagined it was such a job getting that thing out. To save time I left out several announcements, but I did put in the Geritol Night announcement. I just wanted everyone to know it was going to happen.

          Have no fear! The annual Geritol Night is being planned! We will have more news on it next week, but rest assured that Geritol Night will be held this year. The theme is going to be ‘Precious Memories,’ so bring cameras to Geritol Night so we can record some of those ’Precious Memories.’

          Pretty harmless announcement. I put the Geritol Night in dark print to call attention to the announcement, something I learned working for a newspaper, and I let it go.

          When I was all done putting the newsletter together on the computer I went to print it. Spell check came up immediately and, being in a hurry, I just OKed everything spell checked tagged so I could finish up and get it in the mail. I ran off the master, made the hundreds of copies, did the folding and addressing and stapling and got them off. I vowed that I would never do it again. (That  newsletter went to every member of the church and to points all around the country. Some small newspapers had a smaller circulation.)  

          The fun began two nights later. I was in the family room watching a baseball game and my wife was in the kitchen reading the newsletter. Suddenly, she let out a whoop and came running with the newsletter in hand.

          “Here, read what you wrote about Geritol Night!”

          I read it and shrugged my shoulders.

          “What’s the problem?”

          “READ IT AGAIN!”

          I read it again and looked at her with concern.

          “Okay, sweetheart, I’ve read it twice now and I don’t see the problem.”

          “READ IT AGAIN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE DARK PRINT!”

          Never having double checked the spell check, this is what came out in the newsletter, specially printed up by the spiritual and dignified Rev. Dr. Larry Wade.

          Have no fear! The annual Genital Night is being planned! We will have more news on it next week, but rest assured that Genital Night will be held this year. The theme is going to be ‘Precious Memories,’ so bring cameras to Genital Night so we can record some of those ’Precious Memories.’

          Yes indeed. I invited adults from all around the country to come and bring their cameras for a genital night. What precious memories that would make.

          Time stood still as I stared at my wife. Obviously, there was no way I could fix this. My hope was that nobody would catch it. After all, we tend to read what we expect to see. I had just done it myself two times. Maybe my wife’s alertness was a fluke. Maybe I could slip by on this one.

          Then the phone rang. It was one of our younger adults wanting to know why we didn’t have those kinds of activities at the Mid-Winter Bar-B-Que. He also wanted to know if he could come and bring a video camera. He hung up in hysterics. The phone rang again. More of the same. Over and over the phone rang. One of our older ladies told me she wouldn’t be coming, but she wanted to know if I would get her some pictures. She hung up in hysterics, also.

          Some people made the mistake of thinking the mistake was the secretary’s even though I had explained at the beginning of the newsletter that I was doing it for her. I considered letting her take the fall, but decided against it. I had proven I was a pervert, no sense adding lying to my sins.

          Going to church the next Sunday was hard. Everyone got a charge out of my embarrassment. The only good thing was when my wife and I traveled to Pennsylvania for the secretary’s grandfather’s calling hours. She was filled with grief and looked as though she could use some cheering up. I whispered in her ear what I had done and she actually snorted. Seeing her smile was almost worth it.