Both of my parents were from Kentucky. Actually, from the same little town. Even went to the same little church. Since my father was older than my mother, they didn't connect. They knew each other in a vague sense. But when my father returned from WWII, that gawky little girl who was the daughter of the Sullivans from up on Bender Hill yonder had just reached adulthood, and everything changed. After the war, two of my mother's brothers and their wives and one of her sisters and her husband moved to the same little town in Ohio to find work. The men all farmed and worked in factories and were making more money than they could have in Kentucky. It wasn't long before my parents did the same thing. This little town, Perry Ohio, sits on the shores of Lake Erie and is extremely cold in the winter. Kentucky folk didn't usually come that way. But now, there were four families of hill folk (commonly referred to as 'hillbillies') residing in the township.

    Even though I thought I talked just fine, I found out when I started school that I talked funny. My friends from down the road never said anything about the way I talked, and my family all talked the same way. But I swiftly found out that I was different. For instance, there is no such word as 'heared.' The correct word is 'heard.' I slurred some words. It was assumed that I had a speech impediment and I was forced to take special speech classes. All I was doing was speaking Southern. I just did not know it was a foreign language in Northeast Ohio.

    So, I grew up bilingual. Not only was I fluent in both Midwestern and Southern, but I was also very familiar with the lifestyles of these two very different lands. When we went to visit the Kentucky folks, we went when the tobacco was coming in so we could lend a hand. In other words, we worked on vacations. It is totally different in the hill country, but I was at home there as well as in the great frozen North.

    And then I married a city girl from the city of Cleveland, and I found out that she had no clue about life. Milk came from the dairy aisle in the grocery store. Chicken was over in the meats section. It never occurred to me that someone could grow to adulthood and not associate the food you ate with actual animals. We were married five years before she quit calling cows 'moo-cows.' She gagged the first time she ever ate rabbit. I didn't even try to introduce her to squirrel. She once yelled at a cow for daring to relieve itself in front of her. That would have been funny except we were at the county fair to see our 4-H kids and their projects. But she really didn't know.

    Now in my so-called 'golden years,' I am pausing to reflect back on my dual childhood. It has come to me that others may not know how to survive in the South, so I have put together this aid to prepare you for what is to come once you cross the Ohio River. Pay attention.

    THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU INTEND TO SPEND TIME IN DIXIE:

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. Onced and Twiced are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom? As in, Jawl-P before we left the house?

8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. As in, 'I knows you backwards and forwards.'

13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

17. All the festivals across southern states are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

18. You carry jumper cables in your truck for your OWN truck.

19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.

20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.

21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)

22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

23. You know what a hissy fit is.

24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

    There now, that should get you past Louisville or Cincinnati, at least for a few miles. Go and enjoy.