The last two or three weeks have been an embarrassment to the United States. Unfounded accusations, enraged citizens beating on the doors to the offices of the Supreme Court demanding entry, a former Attorney General and a former presidential candidate advocating violence against their political foes. The last three weeks we have put on display for the whole world to see all the hate and ugliness that has been bubbling up in this country since the last election. Personally, I am tired of it. I need to smile. That is probably the white privilege in me coming out, but this is just too much. To that end, this was sent to me by a former church member in Ohio. The sign or headline first, then my comment in italics. Give smiling a chance.

          These are all signs and headlines people have seen around the country.

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

I was taught using the floor was wrong.

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Well, at least they want you to wait for the lights to go out.

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

Remember, these people call a bathroom a loo, an elevator a lift and the hood of the car a bonnet. Of course their basements are upstairs.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

If you can take further steps, why do you need a step ladder?

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

I am quite happy I do not work in that office.

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Well, I could use a new grill, but I need Marsha to get everything else together for the cookout.

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

Wonder if they were eating their own food?

Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Nothing worse than an elephant roaming around outside of its car.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Now, I can understand that. I came home one day in 1984 and a little three year old raced by me. Startled, I looked at Marsha and said, “Who is that?” She looked at me and replied, “He is Adam, he is three years old and he is our son.” So, yeah, I understand.

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

And while you are looking for the bull, the cow patties can trip you up.

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

Seriously. Dothan, Alabama. A large billboard read “CAN’T READ? CALL 555-555-5555.” Marsha had to read it to me. What!!??? I was driving!

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

At our funeral home in Ohio we had a monument company. The man who ran it (part owner of the funeral home and monument company) had as his own headstone on the grave he intends to use one day, a pile of river rock, superglued together.

Headline in a newspaper.

MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER

Obviously, a tragic story followed. But, speaking as a former funeral home worker, I feel pretty confident in saying that once anyone is dead, they are no longer a threat to anyone, especially if the plan is to shoot them.

Another newspaper headline.

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN CRASH OF JET, EXPERTS SAY

Usually, in an aircraft crash, something has gone wrong. In fact, always, in an aircraft crash, something has gone wrong. Apparently, it took and expert to see that. Reminds me of a large sign I saw in a window once in Florida. (After this last hurricane ripped through there, I wonder if the building still stands.) The sign read “EXPERT ON DUTY.” It was auto repair. Next door was another auto repair shop with a larger sign in the window, “DEFINITION OF EXPERT: ‘EX’ MEANS IT IS GONE AND ‘SPURT’ IS A DRIP UNDER PRESSURE.”

Another headline.

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

I am certainly no expert, but wouldn’t that require the squad cars to be reinforced?

And still another headline.

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

Actually, it is pretty decent of the employer to keep them on after they die.

A headline of a strict town.

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

Must be a Saudi court. Teach ‘em young.

War headline.

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

War does that. I imagine you have heard of Maxine Waters, Congresswoman from California and an avowed (and admitted) hater of Donald Trump. I heard her say in an interview back when North Korea was saying they were going to nuke the US, “If that little man over there in Korea nukes us I am afraid that big man in Washington is going to take us to war.” Getting nuked would lead to war.

Labor struggles.

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE

I worked for a newspaper for a year or so at one time in addition to pastoring. Most people do not realize that the reporter who writes the article rarely writes the headlines. The above headline made perfect sense to the headline writer, I guess.

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPATURES

That could also be, TEMPATURES FALL BECAUSE IT IS COLD. Yep.

You just have to love stuff from the Brits.

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

There must be other choices in England.

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

I do not like driving over high bridges anyway, but now you tell me they are held up by tape?!!?

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACE BATTERY CHARGE

This one confuses me. Did he try to fight the lightning? Are they identifying the man who is facing the charge as the man who was also struck by lightning? Is it two headlines mixed together? Or, could it be that the court ordered him to be struck by lightning so he could then charge the batteries throughout the community? Either way, weird town.

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

They needed people who were more obese?

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

Apparently, burrito night was a big hit.

Headline over a story for a local elementary school.

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

Is that why enrollment is down in our schools? Or, maybe it is the next headline.

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

That should make the others stay in school!

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS

What, the doors aren’t high enough for them?

TYPHON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

Somehow I am thinking that the hundreds dead were actually deceased before the typhoon hit, but maybe not

Thank you for reading. We now return you to the regularly schedule chaos, brought to you by your government.