I am going to take a break from “fear not” to address something that people have lately been asking me about. It has become something of a concern amongst our congregation over the last year or so and it is something I actually know a little bit about.

          “I know I should go to the funeral (visitation, calling, wake…whatever you call it where you live) but I just don’t know what to say!” I have been doing ministry for forty five years, and I don’t know what to say. I have talked with countless families and done countless funerals and have read dozens of books on grief and funeral etiquette. I have no idea what to say. That is because there is no set phrase, no sure-fire set of words that convey the feeling you have at that moment. We want to ease the suffering because we really do care. We want to let the grieving person know we are there for them because we care. We want to make it all better because we care. And yet, typically, we say the wrong thing.

          “Well, Pastor, that may be true for most, but I know exactly what to say.” Good for you. I am about to upset your applecart.

          As a general rule, you cannot say the wrong thing if you say nothing at all. The grieving person is standing there next to the casket, maybe their hand rests on the casket for support. You step up. The bereaved looks at you and you wrap your arms around them and whisper how sorry you are for them. That is the very best approach. You have expressed your care and concern and love. Tell them they are in your prayers. Another quick hug. Now, the bereaved may start a brief conversation, and that is fine. “Doesn’t he look good?” “Yes, they do a good job here.” Or maybe the bereaved mentions the flowers or casket. Respond. The bereaved needs, at that moment, some touch of normalcy. That is all good. But then move on. Your presence has been registered in their minds and there will be many opportunities to speak later in the days and weeks to follow.

          Which brings me to the first thing of what not to say. Never, EVER, ask how the deceased died. I understand. You want to know. But put yourself in the grief stricken person’s shoes. They are going to tell the story over and over, reliving the moment of death. Sometimes the bereaved will want to talk about it with you. That is their choice. But don’t make them open the wound again.

          Don’t stand there and gab. Rehashing old memories may help you, but at that calling or visitation it is a time waster and likely is not helping the bereaved. Hundreds of people come to these things. Waiting for you finish up helps no one.

          Then there are the phrases we say that are meant to be encouraging or, worse yet, to explain why the loved one died. “God just needed another farmer in heaven.” Or electrician or salesman or mechanic or whatever it was the deceased did for a living. Another rule of thumb: DO NOT LIE! And that is a lie. God didn’t call the wife home because He needed an alto in the angelic choir. God has all of it covered. Death just came. Don’t put the blame on God. It makes it sound as though He cannot manage His resources very well.

          Often, when it is a baby or a small child, we hear, “God needed another angel.” DO NOT LIE! And that is a lie. First, people who go to heaven do not become angels. Angels are a separate creation. Second, the grieving person feels that they need that little angel more than God does. You are not helping.

          Somebody falls from a tree stand while deer hunting. You will hear, “He died doing what he loved to do.” And…..so? Did he love the dying? Does saying that bring comfort? Maybe the husband and wife had fussed about the time spent hunting. How does, “He died doing what he loved to do,” help that grieving wife? He died doing what she didn’t want him to do.

We want to bring Jesus into the situation. “Don’t take it so hard. The Lord walks with you.” A person needs to take it hard, and for as long as they need to take it hard. It is called ‘grief’ and everyone is affected by grief differently. Yes, Jesus does walk with us, but sometimes our grief is so overwhelming we don’t feel His presence.

“God is still on the throne.” I have heard that so many times. What does that mean to someone who is dealing with white hot grief.

“Try and hold back those tears. It makes people uncomfortable.” This was spoken by a mother to her daughter, who had lost her four month old to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The young mother got in her mother’s face and said, “It’s a funeral, Ma! People cry at funerals! If they can’t take it they can go home!” I stepped between them. ‘Ma’ was out of line.

“Always remember to give thanks in all things.” Biblically true, but while the grief is fresh and the bereaved is about to have a break down, not being helpful.

“It is for the best.” Why? OK, they were in pain or had been in a coma or had been suffering terribly in some way. But for the grieving person, the best would have been complete recovery. You are not helping.

“God knows what He is doing.” Always makes me cringe. We would always agree that God has a handle on everything, but how does that help at that awful moment? If your teenager died in a traffic accident, would “God knows what He is doing” help you?

“It could have been worse.” A pastor friend of mine sent twenty odd kids off to camp. He had a son and a daughter in the group as counselors. There was a wreck on the highway. His daughter and a camper died. His son and fifteen campers were seriously injured. He quit counting at a dozen times all the people who came through at the funeral and said, “It could have been worse.” Yes, it could have been worse, I guess. How does saying it help at that moment?

“He (or she) is in a better place.” If they were a believer in Christ, yes, they are in a better place. That does not necessarily help the grieving one, though. And what if they are not a believer? What if they have never trusted in Christ? Then you are lying. And the rule of thumb is DO NOT LIE!

“You must not question God.” Why not? David did. Moses did. Abraham did. There is nothing wrong with questioning God. We may not get an immediate answer, but we are at least talking to Him and we will get comfort.

“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” True enough. But there are times when it feels like it is more than we can handle. Being told we can handle it doesn’t help because WE DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO HANDLE IT.

“Your husband will rise again.” If they are a believer, then yes, they will rise to heaven. There is a time for that assurance to be given and it is usually not at the visitation. Here is another rule of thumb. DO NOT GET ALL THEOLOGICAL WITH THEM. Leave that to the person actually preaching the funeral.

And this one has made me want to slap people. “I know just how you feel.” Maybe you went through the same loss two years earlier. That does not mean you know how they are feeling. Different people have different emotional levels. They may have loved differently. Their mental and emotional make up is different. You do not know just how they feel. When my wife’s father died, I was pastoring in Warren, Ohio and the in-laws lived in Perry, Ohio. About seventy miles apart. We both had graduated high school from Perry, so a lot of friends were there as well as a large group from our church. I was keeping an eye on Marsha and her Mom, just to make sure they were OK. “I know just how you feel” was on a lot of lips and Marsha endured it, being the brave soldier for her mother. One of the older couples from our church, Larry and Helen Stahl, came and went right to Marsha. Larry leaned down and kissed her forehead (That was Larry’s thing. We went to see him as he was dying and I bent down and kissed his forehead, and even comatose, he gave a big smile.) Helen stepped up to her. Helen had suffered all manner of loss over the years. She could have gone on and on with her suffering. But sweet, gentle Helen just reached over and adjusted a bow on Marsha’s dress and whispered, “I love you, Marsha.” My wife collapsed into Helen’s arms and wept. Not because this woman ‘knew what she was feeling,’ but because this woman loved her. That was what she needed at that moment.   

There will be weeks and months after the funeral. Casseroles can be brought by, offers to buy a cup of coffee, a craft show or a car show to go to. Opportunities to connect later and ease a grieving person’s spirit. When someone has suffered a loss, everything is a blur. Their loved one is taken away, they connect with the funeral home, dozens of phone calls have to be made. By the time that visitation begins, the grieving person has gone non-stop. Sleep has eluded them. They are at the end of their rope. Then, people start coming in and walking up to them. What does that devastated person need the most right then? Do they need some lame choice of words, or do they need a hug, an “I love you” and another hug?

Personally, I understand. We want to help because we are hurting for them. It seems like just being there is not enough. But the bereaved person is overwhelmed by people. They need contact, touch. They need love. Please do not stand out because you said the wrong thing.

Blessings.