I wouldn’t call it a crisis of faith. I guess I wouldn’t call it a crisis of faith. I don’t know. Maybe it is a crisis of faith. At any rate, I am struggling with an issue. One of those things that fills your mind and interrupts your thoughts. And it should not be there. I should have faith. I should have trust. I should……yeah, I know everything I should have. But what I have are restless nights. It is on my mind as I drift off and on my mind when I wake up. Not a crisis of faith, but a struggle of faith. 

          In spite of the COVID-19 pandemic and the shutdown, our church is doing pretty well. Better than a lot of churches. We stayed connected throughout the shutdown. Ministry continued, just different. Since coming back we have been able to social distance in church, more or less, and we have, as a congregation, managed to avoid the virus. The folks have a good attitude. We are bringing in new members. We are bringing back the ministries we had to shelve during shutdown. We are not only going to be alright; we are going to thrive.

          So, what is the problem?

          We have no one to lead our Youth group and we have no teachers for our kids. This actually wasn’t a problem early in the year. The pandemic took everything away, even church services. We went on-line and did OK, but now we are back and our kids are being neglected. In 45 years of ministry, I have never been in this place. Now, on the back end of a long ministry, I find myself facing something I have only experienced by talking to other pastors who were dealing with it.

          You see, I always did the Youth as well as pastor the church. Truth be told, I always enjoyed the Youth more than the adults! I just always connected with teenagers in a way that was different than with adults. Maybe it was their higher level of energy or maybe it was the fresher outlook. I don’t know. But it was fun. Times change. Now I am older than some of their grandparents. That connection isn’t possible any longer. But the desire to see them connected to the Lord is still there. And the kids in Sunday School. Loud, wired, driven by that special child-like insanity! Ready to be molded. I have always had brave souls who have taken deep breaths and walked into the den of lion, well, cubs.

          Understand, I have no problem when people decide, for whatever reason, that it is time for them to step away. My feeling has always been, thank you for the time you have given and God bless you. That is a natural and common occurrence. But, all at once is tough.

          I have been in touch with Huntington University for some student who might want some practical experience, but with no luck. I have talked to people and, again, no luck. I really do believe in God’s time, in God’s way, in God’s place. The way the Lord has worked around this church, I know He has a plan and a purpose. He is preparing people right now, both in the church and outside. His time, His way, His place. I believe it! But still…

          And then, the Lord showed me a song early in the week. As always, it is the words that stir my soul. These words are powerful.

I am thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice,
And it told Thy love to me;

Yes, I am His! I have heard His voice! In the pages of the Scripture and in the depths of my heart, and I know He loves me!
But I long to rise in the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee.

Interesting word. “But.” Knowing He loves me is wonderful, BUT I want, need, to be drawn closer all the time. I need to feel Him close when my heart is troubled.

Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord,
By the power of grace divine;

Yes, Lord, every day renew me to Your service. Nothing is more important! And Your power becomes mine!

Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope,
And my will be lost in Thine.

OK, here is where it gets tough sometimes. Hard to look up with hope when you are feeling like you are beaten down. And it is even tougher to put away your own will, your desire and your certainty of what is right, and embrace His will. Surely there is something I can do…..OK, Lord, I will back away and let you lead.

O the pure delight of a single hour
That before Thy throne I spend,
When I kneel in prayer, and with Thee, my God,
I commune as friend with Friend!

I heard a preacher once say we sing “Sweet Hour of Prayer” like we mean it and then we grudgingly give Him five minutes. But I know, and can tell you for fact, when you spend that hour in prayer there is a communion unlike any other. As the song says, I commune as friend with Friend. Oh my! The amount of coffee I have consumed across a table in a greasy spoon restaurant or in my office or around a dining room table, communing with friends, would fill an Olympic sized pool. But how much sweeter that time spent with the Lord.

There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;

I can’t understand it all right now. I am human. I know about His love, but right now I cannot fully understand it. I won’t know until I make that short journey, until in a flash I am absent from the body and present with the Lord.

There are heights of joy that I may not reach
Till I rest in peace with Thee.

There have been joys here, but nothing like what is to come.

And then the chorus---

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
To the cross where Thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
to Thy precious, bleeding side.

A lot of people draw away from that imagery, but it is only in the shed blood of our Savior that we find our salvation. Where we find love and joy and peace.

          Yes, I am struggling, But while I struggle, I also know that He has it all taken care of. I have to be more aware and alive to His knowledge and power! A month ago, I talked to a man in a church who was looking for a pastor. He was on the search committee and was overwhelmed by it all. I said, “Just think of it, John. God already has your next Pastor out there and pretty soon He will let you meet him.” I need to practice what I preach!

          In the mean time, is the Lord working on you?