Over the years, I have gotten a lot of quizzical looks from people when I have said, “I would rather do a funeral than a wedding.” What do you mean??? Weddings are wonderful!!! How can you say you would rather do a funeral??? Actually, that is not a 100% true. Some weddings have been very special to me. But on the whole, weddings are tragedies waiting to happen. The expectations are so high, so much is invested, people have come from all over……it just threatens to come unraveled at any moment. There is always someone who thinks it would be funny if…...or what if we do this……or let’s make the dog the ring bearer! With a funeral you get to minister to people, with a wedding you have to keep everyone under control. For instance;

 "America's Funniest Home Videos" was one of the few television programs that I actually enjoyed. It did, however, give rise to a stunt atmosphere, particularly in those things that are to be serious. Honest mishaps in a wedding can be funny. Intentional mishaps, or stunts, in a wedding can be, well, just stupid. I have had my share of such things.

          Ralph and Jewell were a young couple planning a wedding. Jewell was the usual bride, wanting everything to be just so. Ralph was the usual groom, a little out of touch as far as the wedding was concerned, but determined that Jewell would have the best day of her life. The problem rarely lies with the bride or the groom. It is with the family. In this case, Jewell’s father, a police officer, thought it would be funny to wait till I had pronounced them husband and wife, and then he would step forward and slap handcuffs on his new son-in-law. No need to tell the preacher or the groom. A laugh a minute. The bride's sister, a biker girl who normally was clad in biker leather, cooked up her own mischief. Disaster in the making, made all the more tragic by the actions of a little boy.

          To start with, at the rehearsal the bride's sister, who was also the matron of honor, decided I was a good mark for her own brand of weird humor. Having pegged me as something of a square and as a hayseed to boot, she made me her personal target. I still retain a slight southern accent from our years in the south and that seemed to set her off.

          After giving me a hard time at the rehearsal the night before the wedding, this dear soul thought it would be funny to frustrate me with the rings during the wedding. Her four-year-old son was to be the ring bearer. Both rings would be on a satin pillow that he would carry down the aisle. At the appropriate time, he would step forward and hold out the pillow and I would pull the simple knot on the ribbon and thus remove the two rings. Usually this simple little task is made difficult by the unpredictability of a four-year-old boy. It is the part I dread. But this little guy was perfect.

          His mother, however, was a long way from perfect. She had gone to the trouble of tying the rings in a hard knot. It was supposed to be funny when I couldn’t untie the silly thing. When the pillow was presented to me during the wedding there was no way I could untie her knot. It did alter my wedding practice, though. I always carry a knife now. Anyway, the groom could hear the snickers of his soon to be sister-in-law and knew immediately what had happened and who was at fault. Angrily he reached down and gripped the ribbon to try and break it. He succeeded, sending one ring shooting east and one ring shooting west. For five minutes the wedding party was on their hands and knees looking for the rings. One had rolled to the edge of a heating vent grate. What fun.

          It is important to point out that the bride's sister took her son by the hand during all of this to lead him over to where he should stand, right behind her. He was very hesitant, even trying to pull away from her. We found out why in just a very few minutes. He didn't recognize this woman as his mother. He was used to a tattooed woman with wild hair and wearing leather jeans and a halter-top. This woman was lovely, with the tattoos covered and her hair up in curls and ringlets and in a beautiful dress. This is important for later.

          Anyway, the rings were located and the ceremony continued. Everything was fine until I pronounced the happy couple. (Actually, at this point they were not very happy.) Then, the bride's father leaped to his feet and slapped the cuffs on his son-in-law. Silence followed.

          Remember the little ring bearer? He had watched enough TV to know that this was not good. He jumped up into the front pew, which had just been behind him where he was standing. With hands on either side of his face he began to scream. This was not an imitation of the boy in the movie "Home Alone." This event was before that movie. This was just sheer terror. His mother, the matron of honor, turned to grab him and comfort him (even the uncouth have maternal instincts) but he beat her off screaming "I want my real mommy, I want my real mommy!!!"

          I am sure that they didn't watch the video of that one very often and I have never seen it on America’s Funniest.